Shyness Cured By Good Parenting

Shy people have inherited an exaggerated fear response to social situations, but it can be cured with the right sort of parenting.

If your child confidently breezes into a roomful of strangers without a second thought, there’s a good chance he or she is an Israeli. If they are gripped by paralysing fear at the thought of attending a party they are likely to be from Japan or Taiwan.

Israeli children are said to be the most confident in the world, while Japanese and Taiwanese youngsters are the shyest. Their British and American counterparts lie somewhere in the middle. The popular explanation is that Western societies are more individualistic than Eastern societies, and thus encourage more self-expression.

Shyness is thought to affect up to 50 per cent of adults to some degree, and is defined by the Encyclopedia of Mental Health as “discomfort and/or inhibition in interpersonal situations . . . It is a form of excessive self-focus.” Being introverted is not the same as being shy. Introverts are not scared by the prospect of socialising, but prefer being on their own.

A sizeable body of research on shyness suggests that positive (or punitive) parenting and the prevailing culture are two factors that determine whether a child will become a wallflower. But there is a vital third factor: biology. The issue is a hot topic among experts, and some say that there are indications that shyness, along with other personality characteristics, is partly inherited.

The brains of shy people behave differently in social situations compared with the brains of confident people; when placed in unfamiliar situations, “shy brains” show more electrical activity on the right side of the frontal lobe. It has been interpreted as an exaggerated fear response, and is often accompanied by the physiological hallmarks of terror, such as a racing pulse and muscle tension. Your brain, like the rest of your body, is built according to the instructions encoded in your DNA, which means that shyness very probably has a genetic component.

But shyness is not a clear-cut case of genetic determinism. Numerous studies show that tending budding wallflowers in the right way can lead them to turn towards the sun and blossom. Inhibited youngsters are much less likely to turn into anxious adults if they are brought up by confident parents than by anxious ones.

The latest research, published in a study from the Child Development Laboratory at the University of Maryland, indicated that confident parenting could triumph over a genetic predisposition to shyness.

Professor Nathan Fox, the laboratory’s director, found that kids who are consistently shy while growing up are more likely to possess a version of a particular gene associated with stress sensitivity and to have been raised by stressed-out parents. The gene involved governs the production of serotonin, a brain chemical connected to mood, appetite and aggression. The study was published in Current Directions in Psychological Science.

Fox explains: “If you have certain versions of this serotonin gene but your mother is not stressed, you will be no more shy than your peers as a school-age child. But we found that when stress enters the picture, the gene starts to show a strong relationship to the child’s behaviour. If you are raised in a stressful environment, and you inherit a particular form of the gene, there is a higher likelihood that you will be fearful, anxious or depressed.” It is as if a child’s genetic tendency towards shyness can be either stifled or nurtured, depending on the behaviour of the parent.

However, genetics may play a very limited role in people who experience a sudden outbreak of shyness in later life. Bullying, the presence of domineering siblings, overprotective parents, divorce or failed romances can all lead to shyness.

Dr Bernardo Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University, maintains that it is a nonsense to suggest that some people are born shy. He explains: “Shyness is characterised by three major features: excessive self-consciousness, excessive negative self-evaluation and excessive negative self-preoccupation. All three characteristic features of shyness involve a sense of self. And the sense of self does not develop until approximately 18 months of age. Since individuals are not born with a sense of self, they cannot be born shy.”Carducci accepts, though, that around one child in five is born with an “inhibited temperament”. These babies are more likely to kick their limbs and cry loudly when exposed to a sudden noise, such as a car backfiring. There is growing evidence that these youngsters are oversensitive to sensory stimuli, such as loud noises. Interestingly, such babies are more likely than uninhibited babies to have close relatives who were shy as children.

These babies, it is observed, tend to grow into toddlers who crouch fearfully behind their mothers’ legs at the sight of a stranger, and thereafter into children who are often happier alone than with playmates. They tend to play near their parents or carers. At some point during their development they will be labelled “shy”, or – if the shyness interferes with the child’s ability to function – be termed as suffering from a social anxiety disorder or social phobia. These tags often stick for life and can give rise to a (needless) vicious circle: people become conscious of their labels and tend to behave in ways that fulfil them. They believe themselves incapable of dealing with social situations so they shun them, thus denying themselves the opportunity of becoming more socially accomplished. Many parenting experts, therefore, urge parents not to label their kids.

How widespread is shyness? One set of statistics comes from research conducted by Carducci and two other leading American psychologists, Dr Philip Zimbardo and Dr Lynne Henderson (the two run the Shyness Institute, a nonprofit research organisation in California). The number of Americans classifying themselves as chronically shy rose from about 40 per cent in the 1970s to about 50 per cent by 2000. Another 40 per cent said that they had been shy once but were no longer; 15 per cent suffered from situational shyness (shy only in certain settings, such as on dates). Only 5 per cent reported never having experienced shyness.

Zimbardo is no stranger to controversy: he is the creator of the notorious Stanford Prison Experiment, which had to be stopped when students began behaving sadistically. He has suggested that shyness ought to be considered a public health issue: shy men are more likely to use prostitutes. He also once claimed that eight killers out of a group of ten that he had studied were shy men who snapped under stress.

So, about the party tonight: fancy going? If you are suffering with shyness go to: social-anxiety.org.uk

FearFighter is a computer programme that can be prescribed by a GP and offers a course of cognitive behaviour therapy.

Now for something completely diffident

When I told colleagues recently that I used to be crippled by shyness, and that I still suffered from bouts of it, they laughed out loud. And yet my mother will never forget the day that my teacher greeted her with glee. “Something amazing happened today,” she announced. “Sacha spoke.” I was six years old.

I think that, probably, rather than conquer my shyness, I have learnt to cover it up. Genes may play a part, but in my case, shyness was predominantly borne from a frustration that no one understood me. When very young, I developed my own language, and when people not only failed to get my drift, but laughed at it, I shut up, quick.

At school, I sought silent friends and perfected the art of inconspicuousness in dinner queues, in silent prayer that no one would talk to me. And if they had to, please not in front of others. This was, and remained, by far the most agonising element to my shyness: the immediate and stomach-churning terror of attracting attention from more than one person. Which presented a problem, of course, because silence in itself can be a crowd teaser. So I developed my own strategies for coping – when possible, strive for one-on-one encounters, and ask lots of questions early on in a conversation. This way, you are perceived to engage but, so long as the questions are neutral, you can successfully and seamlessly disappear in a crowd.

There are often neglected upsides to shyness. You develop a keen sense of observation and, perversely, I’ve often found it easier than my more gregarious peers to make friends with cantankerous characters.

Leaving home, living abroad, and working in competitive environments were other factors that helped me overcome my shyness, but I still occasionally find myself entering a room full of people, rehearsing questions in my mind, and praying that I won’t be forced to ask them.

My flustered Jekyll and Hyde moments

Shyness was a Jekyll and Hyde affair for me. One moment I would be clear, lucid and confident – the next a mumbling, bumbling, terrorised lost soul. Friends and strangers would be fine, but I had a real problem engaging with older people whom I knew well. This meant teachers and lecturers when I was a student – bosses and colleagues as a working adult.

In the presence of such people, I always worried about coming across as stupid. When I opened my mouth, a jumbled mess would tumble out. I had this remarkable habit of starting a sentence with a perfectly decent opening clause – and then I would lose complete control. I’d meander with clause after sub-clause making little sense and even less of a point. As the listener’s eyes started to glaze over, I’d get even more worried and waffle on even more, desperate to win back favour and attention.

Completely lost, I’d resort to my Basil Fawlty-inspired escape plan. I’d conclude the sentence by mumbling something so quietly that the recipient would not hear properly. Sometimes, it would be nonsense. More often than not, I would get away with it – the listener too bored to care.

My response was to avoid contact. Some people took this as arrogance rather than shyness. My professional career forced me into these difficult situations and I had no choice but to engage. This is where things had to change. Some basic reading suggested various approaches – from holding your breath (for two to three seconds) to make you pause, collect thoughts and start again, to putting oneself in as many scary situations as possible.

I used bits of all of these methods to deal with acute shyness and I still use them. So, if you see me not breathing and looking a little blue in the face, I’m not passing out – I’m just collecting my thoughts. Parminder Bahra

Ten strategies for overcoming shyness

1 Practise breathing exercises and reducing muscle tension (such as repeatedly clenching and releasing your fist).
2 Don’t use drink or drugs to loosen you up. The effects soon wear off.
3 Practise small talk with people whom you meet briefly in non-threatening situations, for example, while out shopping.
4 To carry on a conversation, you must have something to say. Read widely and listen to news programmes. Try to ask open-ended questions, such as “What do you think of X?”
5 Rehearse topics that might come up. Practise at home in front of the mirror.
6 Kind acts, eg, offering to get a party guest a drink, invite reciprocation, maximising the chances of successful socialising.
7 Accept that the world isn’t looking at you: other people tend to focus on themselves.
8 If someone ends the conversation, don’t assume that they find you boring.
9 Don’t take rejection personally. You don’t have to get on with absolutely everyone.
10 Find your comfort zone: you may feel happier in an art class than in a nightclub.
Source: Shyness Research Institute

What type are you?

Being aware of the types of shyness, says Dr Bernardo Carducci, means a person can learn how to deal with his or her particular brand of diffidence.
Publicly shy: Someone distressed by how they behave in social situations, and worried about saying the wrong thing or behaving awkwardly, or about freezing completely and saying nothing.
Privately shy: Someone in whom social awkwardness is not outwardly apparent but who feels the tension ratcheting up: suffer physiological symptoms such as increased heart rate and muscle tension.
Socially anxious shy: Someone who turns social fears inwards and obsesses internally about things – for example, what they are wearing. There may also be accompanying feelings of worthlessness.

Advice for parents

If your children are showing signs of shyness, try setting up social situations: perhaps a mum-and-toddler group if they are young, or outings to the park and new groups and activities if they are older.

Try to display calm, confident social skills: your child needs to see you walk up to mothers you don’t know and start chatting to them in a relaxed way.

Show your child how to interact with other children, encourage him/her to play with them. As this happens, move away to allow space from you while they play.

Try to fight your own anxiety: it’s understandable but it will feed children’s.

Original Source - The Times

Author - Anjana Ahuja

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